Overview
Abuse generally refers to using a position or tool in a way that it wasn’t intended to be used, often in the context of someone having power or influence that they use to harm someone else.
Commentary
Abuse is really difficult to discuss, and not just because no one likes to think of themselves as an abuser or having been abusive at some point. “Abuse” as a term has arguably suffered from a process called “concept creep” where something is analogized or compared to the current concept of abuse in a way that expands it.
For example, we might agree that a politician who threatens to use their platform to harass an ex-partner is obviously abusing their power. We might also agree that a parent who gets drunk and hits their child is physical abuse. What about an older sibling who calls their younger sibling annoying or stupid? Some people might read that question and recall a long, conflict-driven relationship with their sibling, while others will recall fights they now laugh about. What about having vicious screaming arguments in front of a child without explicitly yelling at them? The child isn’t the target of the disturbance but might still find it traumatic and have their emotions neglected. Calling the parents “abusers” in this scenario might not feel that it was in the spirit of identifying domestic violence or exploitation from people with formal positions of power. What about a partner who uses the silent treatment after an argument? We might agree that it’s toxic or immature, but it might be harder to say the partner is being abusive in the same sense as someone who hits their partner after an argument. The former dilemma might be resolved through communication or counseling, but the latter might reasonably be elevated to criminal investigation.
It becomes difficult to discuss the topic at all because people begin with entirely different baselines for what they consider abuse, influenced both by community and interpersonal dynamics. Much like the discussion around addiction, the fear of being labeled as an “abuser” means almost no one is willing to discuss a past where they may have done something abusive. It’s also difficult for people in dynamics they don’t want to leave to label another’s actions as abusive, both because of the stigma around being a “victim” but also because they may not want to leave or demonize the person as much as resolve the pattern of behavior. Whether or not we may think it’s best for them to leave, the person in question may have reservations that prevent them from seeking help for abusive patterns.
On the other hand, the expansion of the use and concept of “abuse” is arguably a reflection of our growing perspective about forms of harm and lasting trauma. Maybe it’s not in the spirit of the original context to use “abuse” to describe an older sibling teasing a younger sibling over a mistake, but the fact someone might hold onto that feeling even after a long time indicates some unresolved feelings or thoughts about the event which are as worth exploring as anything else for the individual’s wellbeing. Maybe a boss yelling at their employee on a bad day isn’t the same type of abuse as a partner beating their spouse, but it’s still an inappropriate use of power that can cause lasting harm and feelings of hostility in the workplace.
There’s also a dimension to abuse that heavily implies a power dynamic that creates an abuser-victim dyad, which is nuanced in its own model of situations. We certainly don’t want to imply a victim is responsible for someone else’s decision to abuse them, but it’s also not always clear how the power dynamic has manifested. Each person has entirely different realities across strength, money, social status, immigration status, health conditions, and other aspects of the human experience. Someone who has disabilities and is financially dependent can still physically assault their partner, which complicates the way we measure power dynamics. It’s possible for two people in a relationship to regularly be physically violent with each other, and we might get into some very weird math if we start looking at each person’s biology to figure out their capacity for strength.
Personally, I take the perspective that a person should embrace the terms that they feel best describes their experience, but also that we should respect that in other people and be mindful about the terms we choose to use with others. We shouldn’t label actions abusive without context,